Nike Portland XC

Griffin ran a fun cross country race this morning. Sponsored by Nike. He did really good despite having a cold. I wasn't able to congratulate him though, because he took off and didn't answer my calls or messages. It's a problem I have with him from time to time. He doesn't really like me to go to his races. Not sure why. Most parents do. This is the 1st race I've gone to this season. He knew I was coming, we made eye contact while I cheered him on during the race, then he acts like he doesn't know I'm there. It's pretty rude and hurtful.  Maybe it's a teenager thing. Last year he did even want me to go to the award banquet at the end of the season.
Its too bad, I love being there to support my kids.
Like I said, he had a good race.

Bring in the neighborhood together.

With the help of another neighbor at the far end of our little neighborhood, I have help set up a Facebook group for our little neighborhood. I have anxiety I'm not sure when it started exactly maybe 6 years ago, anyways doing new things very is challenging for me, even though I take medication. I decided this would be a good quick activity to to helps curb it also do some Community involvement. Griffin helped me staple all the rubber bands to little Flyers that I made up and I tried to go out on my own but, I just froze. I came back and he told me then the next morning he would help me hang these little flyers on people's door knobs, which he did. I'm grateful that he is so willing to help me whenever I need him. Funny,  he helps me  to not be scared. Pretty crazy since he's the kid and and I'm the adult.

Beach Hike PNW

I am doing a 52 week hike challenge. Although it is for me, I often bring someone, or several people with me. Yesterday's Adventure was with Griffin and Savannah. As we hiked in the mountainside near the beach, I just kept thinking that we live in such a beautiful place. I really have enjoyed being here in the Pacific Northwest. I'm glad we had the opportunity to move here. I wish more people would visit us here, they don't know what they're missing!
This is Ecola State Park, the beach in the picture is called Indian Beach.

Loneliness at a campfire

I've been having a difficult time as of late. Things with my Mom haven't gotten easier. She spent about 10 days in the hospital, and is now in a convalescent home for the remainder of the month.  I'm not really sure if she's going to get better.
I feel like I need to see her one last time.

Money this summer has been tight. Makes things more complicated.

Last night, Patrick got home from his 2nd job, and fell asleep pretty soon after dinner. I decided to to a little campfire in the backyard thinking the kids would like to come hang out and talk, maybe roast marshmallows. After awhile Trevor came out. We didn't talk, we were just together. Awhile later Griffin came out and I explained that I just thought they'd like to join me and hang out. He said "Well, we don't."  It hurt my feelings. I told him to go inside through my tears.  Trevor hugged me and spent more time with me. As of late I get upset pretty easily. He did apologize later. I just feel so alone even if I'm not.

Roses for Mom

It has been forever since I've been here.

I'm sitting on a bench in the beautiful rose gardens on this cool  June morning thinking about my Mom. She would love it here. She loved roses, maybe she still does.

It's been awhile since I've talked to my Mom. Well, like a real conversation. Since January she sorta just checked out.  She started drinking again. It was a rapid decline. She's done this before, but this time isn't like before. This time, I don't think she'll recover.  She won't take our calls, check email, or even get out of bed anymore.  All she does is drink her husband says. We occasionally can call him and he puts her on the phone. She's hard to understand and slurs her words. Conversation usually only lasts  in the range of 30 seconds to maybe 2 minutes if I'm lucky. It's difficult.
Being here today, I'm thinking about things that my Mom loved. She loved roses. At our homes growing up, she always had long rows of roses planted in the front of the house. I always loved that. They were beautiful. She took great care of them. When Patrick and I moved to New Mexico, she insisted that she buy us a rose bush for our front yard. It just makes a home. I was actually sad to leave that rose bush that my Mom bought for us.
At our new house here in Oregon, one of the first things that I did in the spring this year was plant some rose bushes. It really does make it feel like home to me.
I really miss my mom. Even though she's still with us, she's not really here anymore. I try and think of the beautiful things she loves. The things she taught me to enjoy.
This rose is one I think she would really love. It is so beautiful, smells amazing, and is named Neil Dimond ... a singer she is fond of. This one's for you Mom!